Happiness, a fulfilled, inspired, motivated life is something most of us claim to want. Every “Influencer” (whatever that is) on Instagram is “Living their best life”. Based on the posts I see on Instagram and Facebook it appears that therapists, life-coaches, psychiatrists, and psychopharmacology will soon be unnecessary and the people employed in those fields will be the miserable ones when they no longer have a paycheck. Real life however, does not seem to indicate that I have anything to worry about anytime soon. Most people are not spending every other week on a beach in exotic countries taking pictures in seven different outfits or frolicking with their BFF, life partner, or new cat on a remote island that they have recently discovered. Very few people ACTUALLY drive a Lamborghini, own a helicopter, and routinely skydive while their multi-billion dollar business operates efficiently in spite of their absence. On the contrary, to quote Henry David Thoreau, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.'' This is not to say, nor do I believe Thoreau meant, that most people are depressed or miserable. I do believe that most people are in pursuit of purpose, fulfillment, or their “best life” and have come to believe that money or success, however defined, will provide this ideal life. This constant pursuit and lack of satisfaction creates a sense of desperation in those that seem to be ever-pursuing.
The constant search for the ideal while never being content with what we have now is one side of the misery spectrum. The other side belongs to those who have learned that doubt, blame, criticism, fear, irrational thinking, and constant complaining are a way to control the people around them and absolve themselves from the responsibility of moving toward a life of contentment, peace, and happiness. These folks show up on Facebook as well. We all have one or two of these folks in our families. Everyone and everything except their own attitude and behavior is to blame. If there is a silver lining they will paint it black because, “that’s just too good to be true”, or some other B.S. statement that allows them to stay miserable. But let’s look at why people choose (yes, I said choose) misery.
People choose misery for one reason. It meets their needs. I won’t go into psychological needs here as I have written about them elsewhere, except to say that two of those needs are connection and significance. William Glasser lists one of our basic needs as power. I believe that people who choose misery are meeting these needs in an unhealthy way simply because they have not learned to meet them in a healthy way. An example of meeting needs in an unhealthy way would be a person who joins a violent gang. Most people would accept that being affiliated with a gang is not a healthy way of life. It is however, a very effective way to meet the needs of connection, significance, and power (I am including power though I believe connection and significance are required for an individual to have power). A more familiar scenario would be when your uncle Joe constantly complains and argues about everything aunt Martha cooks, the way she cleans, and how the latest political issue is sending this country to hell in a handbasket. He is also meeting his need for significance, connection, and power. The minute Aunt Martha or anyone else for that matter, begins to argue with uncle Joe they are connecting with him, he feels significant because the person arguing with him has to at least acknowledge his complaint, and this meets crazy uncle Joe’s need for power. But miserable people also use misery to avoid responsibility. As long as the problem is the fault of anyone or anything but me, I am not responsible for anything in my life. This also allows me to avoid disappointment since nothing good is ever going to happen anyway.
Given that misery is such an effective way to meet a few of our needs I wanted to provide a recipe of sorts for those of you that would benefit from a road map to either continue your misery or elevate your misery creation game. These are strategies that I have witnessed people in my office utilize as well as some I have personally mastered at one time or another in my life. So in an effort to make the new year as miserable as possible let’s jump in.
Remember, you only need to master a few of these to remain miserable and create a miserable environment for others so don’t attempt to achieve all of these unless you are a true perfectionist (which is a miserable way to live).
1. Recognize how difficult your life is and how underappreciated you are.
Despite the fact that you continually blow every dime on the latest and most sophisticated gadget, clothes, car, haircut and vacation, continue to focus on how much you don’t have. Remind yourself at least four or five times a day that if you can just get to that beach by spring break everything will be ok. In fact continue to focus on how much you deserve that vacation. And if you are in a relationship do everything to ensure that the vacation is all about you. After all, you’re the one that works 35 hours a week, has to mow your postage stamp size yard, and actually input the grocery order to the online delivery service. I get it. Life is demanding. All your lazy partner does is work 40 hours. If they only knew how difficult it is to find a charger for the Tesla when it’s running low they would be more understanding. You deserve this trip to Thailand that you’ve saved two weeks for and will put the rest (the majority) on a Visa. Your boss is an asshole for even suggesting that you may need to put in an extra couple of hours over the next few weeks and this could really place a damper on your ability to get to crossfit at the time when the rest of “the boys” will be there. If he only understood how stressful he is making your life. What a jerk!
2. Worry a lot about economic hardship
Economic loss is a big deal. You know this. Every time you go to the grocery store it seems prices increase. Every time you fill the tank it’s a few cents higher. Eating out five nights a week has almost become difficult to justify, especially since eating lunch out every day has also become so expensive. And let’s not forget just how much it costs to go out every friday and saturday night. That credit card debt is getting out of hand, the student loan payments for that degree in psychology are insane, and the monthly payment on that new car that you had to have because the old one was two years old is ridiculous. It’s time to worry. And not just a little either. What if you have to cut back? No I mean really cut back. What if you had to learn how to budget, mow your own yard, cook your own food, only eat out four nights a week and only party on Saturday night? This is serious! Get concerned! Remind yourself every morning and every evening that the financial shit storm is about to hit hard. It’s inevitable! After all, the next president will probably screw us all over somehow, right?
3. Really embrace what a sorry person you are.
This is a good one to use when you really want to up the misery game. But don’t just determine that you are a no-goodnick bound for a lifetime of failure, financial woe, and a sexless, loveless, friendless life of desperation and hopeless loneliness. No, make sure everyone close to you knows about it. I mean really let them in on just what a piece of work you’ve become, or always were, or are destined to be. And don’t make this a passive conversation either. Really take the time after you meet everyone at the Christmas party to let them know just what a loser you are. Everyone wants to cheer you up. It’s that time of year after all. Except for you. So why not exploit their good cheer? Take advantage of the fact that they want to make you feel good. Really suck the joy right out of the room. You already know this act of selfishness will ensure you are not invited next year and you can add that fact to this year’s complaint list. Then go home after ten too many drinks and continue the whiny self indulgence with your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or dog. They love this stuff after all. Make a plan to continue this for as long as you need until you are proven correct and your partner leaves, the dog runs into the street, and your mom stops calling you.
4. The first rule in fight club is pick one often about anything you can find wrong with anyone and anything.
Hopefully you are the passive-aggressive type. The one that comes crying to his/her partner to “discuss” the relationship and then proceeds to criticize, complain, coerce, demean, hold grudges, and whine about everything they do wrong. Girls are especially attracted to boys like this. Isn’t everyone? Who doesn’t like a male that has a noodle for a spine, lives to satisfy his selfish desires, is unable to hold a conversation about anything but the latest video game, and gets more excited to drink with the boys than to spend a day connecting with his partner?
And every guy wants a girl that has perfected the art of emasculation. Someone that can cut so effectively with just a word or a look that even a Spartan warrior does a double take in the restroom. And don’t forget to focus on all the problems in your life. When you have exhausted all of the faults in your partner, this one will get you back in the game. Your boss, your ex, the kids, your wife’s ex, the stupid neighbor and their incessantly barking dogs. Nothing is off limits here. Make all of the world’s problems your problems and figure out a way to include them in a fight. Or better yet blame all of it on your partner.
5. Do nothing and expect everything.
I love being a therapist and coach. It is truly the most rewarding, satisfying pursuit I could imagine. I am however, amazed at the number of people that expect life to just happen, without incident or struggle, and with no effort on their part. We live in a world that is telling us we can have it all. Just take a few photos, place them on social media and soon you’ll be driving the very same Lamborghini the other guy rented to include in his photoshoot (wait, you thought he owned that)? When this plan doesn’t work out, and it rarely does, you claim life is unfair. WHY CAN’T I BE SUCCESSFUL TOO!! you cry. The answer is simple - because you didn’t do anything! And if you did, you didn’t do enough of it or you just weren't that good at it. It sucks to be the bearer of bad news but not everyone gets to make six figures writing a blog, living in Phuket, (how is that pronounced?) Thailand, and posting their latest bikini pic on Instagram. Some people, maybe you, will have to work. By work, I mean go learn a trade or get a degree, or flip a burger. I’m not saying give up the dream. I am saying you might consider how that dream is actually going to bring in a paycheck. Wealth doesn’t magically appear, relationships don’t last forever just because the sex was great and he had a great personality. Life is work. Being healthy and fit takes work. Success, wealth, happiness, contentment, etc., takes work.
6. Blame your past.
This one is all too common in the #metoo, I was dealt a bad hand, mommy spanked me, and daddy ran off with the secretary, blame everyone else world we live in. I am not discounting trauma, real trauma, here. Unfortunately it seems everyone has determined that they have PTSD and the causes are too numerous to count from legitimate situations like rape, abuse, neglect, etc., to things that when put to the diagnostic test don’t amount to anything more than hurt feelings. Regardless of whether or not you experienced trauma or your fourth grade buddy was just a jerk and knocked you over on the playground, there comes a time to recognize that the past is over and you either need to pursue legitimate therapeutic intervention or decide that the past is no longer going to keep you stuck. Either way it comes down to a decision: stay stuck or pursue change. The next time you find yourself going on and on about how the past caused this or that, or why you are the way you are because of this sad story, stop and ask yourself why you are doing this for the millionth time. The answer is simple. It connects you to people and for a brief moment makes you feel significant. In some cases it also keeps you from taking responsibility for your life. How’s that working out? It isn’t. Get help, stop talking about it, and move forward. It may be hard. Do it anyway. You have become so comfortable with the B.S. story you keep telling yourself about why you can’t have or do whatever it is you want that it has become true. Well guess what? It is nothing more than a story you continue to repeat that keeps you right where you choose to be.
Stories matter. What is yours? Look at the one you're telling yourself and if it isn’t working, change it.
7. Ignore the opportunity to show gratitude.
People who regularly identify the things in life they are grateful for are happier than those who don’t. To really reinforce your misery muscle come up with all of the things you would be thankful for if you didn’t want to stay miserable. Next, write a paragraph for each one describing all the reasons you don’t deserve this, should have something better, or better yet, why someone else’s is significantly better than yours. When you are finished take it to a family member, preferably a spouse or partner, and read the list aloud. This will make for great conversation and likely bring the two of you closer together. Actually it will likely go a long way toward further destroying the already unhealthy relationship you have by reinforcing to your partner that you are choosing your misery inducing behavior. But hey, you will at least be able to connect with one another over misery since choosing to create a positive interaction has never worked in the past so there is no point in trying that.
8. Remember, you were made for the world to revolve around.
Whether you have success or failure make it all about you. Never acknowledge anyone else’s support. Always remind yourself and anyone else that will still listen, that you are a self-made individual. It doesn’t matter that they don’t believe you and have a list of reasons why you are wrong. They just don’t get it. After all, despite what anyone else may say, you’re smarter than they are.
Remember to always let your “good deeds” be known to the world. Other people didn’t really matter anyway but don’t tell anyone else you believe that. Just brag at every opportunity about the contribution you made or the time you volunteered so that as many people as possible can acknowledge how wonderful you are. And don’t forget somewhere in the back of your mind to keep a list of all of the people who owe you for all of the wonderful things you have done for them.
9. Focus on you in your quiet time.
Be sure to make every problem about you. Your life is full of them so keep stock of all of the people and events that have contributed to your misery. This is closely related to number 8. Your wife, kids, boss, church, the world around you, all coming together to cause you problems. Why should you be the spouse that has to take your son to the doctor when he has a high fever? Why should anyone point out how you make them feel when it clearly makes you feel terrible for them to point out how you make them feel? You have so many problems and stressors. Focus intently on these. Really delve deeply into your miserable life and all of the pain and shortcomings you have. Avoid any thought that might try to slip through that would offer you a bit of positive reflection. This would just upset your opportunity to really feel your misery at its core. By doing this you will enhance and reinforce your negative, life-sucking attitude that so many have come to love and count on. The added benefit of this one is that eventually you will be able to get a prescription for depression proving you had a genetic issue all along and just can’t help being this damn miserable.
10. Decide today that you have the power to change.
No, not yourself. There isn’t anything that can change about you. I mean someone else. Find someone whom you can really invest in. Someone whom you know will distract you from your friends, family, and all of the positive goals you would have in your life if you were the type to set goals in the first place. Then fall in love with this person. After all, having them close to you is the best way to change them. They need you and you need them. And despite statistics and everyone’s opinion to the contrary, you can and will love them until they become the person you know they must. You will shape them into a person after your own image (the one floating in your mind). This is not and will not be a codependent relationship. This is love. The real thing, right?
11. Decide to dislike and disagree with most people.
This will do a couple of things. It will certainly bring attention to you which is what you are after in the first place. It will also allow you to avoid all of those so-called “fun” parties, gatherings, friends, and quality relationships that are so overrated in the first place because you will never be invited. This will be a sort of reinforcement that all of the things you find wrong with the world and everyone in it are true.
12. Stay anxious by focusing on every worse case scenario.
This could be the year of complete disaster, relationship failure, and major catastrophe. Why not focus on all of them. Truthfully you only need a few but you’re not in this to be second best. To take this to the next level come up with a daily anxiety journal. Thirty-one days of anxiety inducing bullshit (I just gave you your next book title). This should keep you ahead of the game and ensure your psychiatrist has a great vacation this year. Spend as much of every day as you can focusing on the worse outcome for each item. And don’t forget to share these worries with everyone you know, including those you don’t on social media. Which takes us to our last item.
13. Spend increasing amounts of time on social media.
There is no better place to turn for opportunities to compare your miserable life to all of those so-called influencers, fashion gurus, millionaires, world travelers, and just about everyone that seems to have more, do more and be more than you. Never question whether what they have is real or a photoshopped, botox filled, life of B.S. Focus on what you don’t have. Why couldn’t you have been the well-sculpted, surgically enhanced 23 year-old, living your “best life”? Now that you have become the 27 year-old dinosaur that you are, you don’t stand a chance of regaining all that was lost if only you’d had an iphoneX or XII (or whatever number we are on), just a few long years ago. Give up. Obviously you missed the boat. That guy with the 125,000 followers driving the Tesla, Ferrari, and spaceship surely figured it out along with all of those other people you follow to remind yourself what a sorry life you ended up with. You’ll never be like him, or them, or anyone else you keep staring at and avoiding your own life. But hey, pop another SSRI, drink a pint, or whatever it is you do to alleviate the thoughts that create this mess in your head and plan another misery filled day tomorrow. It will be waiting.
I wanted to give everyone at least a partial recipe for getting and remaining miserable. You can surely add to the list. One of the great gifts of being human is the ability to create. We can create not only tangible objects but we hold the power to create our own misery. We have more control over how we feel than the media, medicine, and even some therapists would have us believe. Our thoughts contribute to how we feel and in most cases are the single determinant of our mood. For anyone struggling to gain a sense of control over their thoughts and feelings I would encourage you to seek a therapist that does not simply allow you to rehearse your misery in session but one that will teach you to challenge the negative beliefs that create the misery in the first place.
Scott Groves, LPC
As I started to plan my 2020 and revise some goals, I came across an article I have kept by Cloe Madanes called The 14 Habits of Highly Miserable People. My recipe for misery is loosely based on her article.
